Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Last day of the quarter, so hectic at work to button up last minute issues.  Great progress on projects but lots of new challenges for the coming months.

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Yesterday was a different difficult day.

When I got home someone who I once trusted had entered my bedroom and was rummaging around in my office in search of things that are not there ... 

I lock my bedroom door.  I lock my office door.  A locked door means exactly that ... do not enter.  Totally un-cool.

How would you feel if you came home unexpectedly and an estranged uninvited individual has violated the sanctity of your space and is in search of things that are not there ... disturbing your order ... disturbing your peace ... destroying the last nibble of respect and trust that was once there.

I felt sickened ... emotionally violated and physically abused ... there are no words for it ... there is no justification for it.

How safe can I feel after repeated events like this ...

Continued ...

2 comments:

josh said...

That's a bit of a sticky situation. Was this a girlfriend? Or just a friend? I would assume it wasn't a girlfriend, for if it were, then you should have nothing to hide. A committed relationship should allow that freedom. If not, it builds distrust. If you act suspiciously (be it for whatever reason), and the person finds nothing, then the level of trust will grow incredibly because it was just proven to be an irrational fear (we all have those) and it wouldn't repeat itself in the future because you have proven yourself trustworthy.

And as for you kicking them out of your life forever is harsh. If you trusted this person, then why punish them for the rest of their life? In relationships, we all act hastily, and irrationally thanks to fear. But we can repair infractions, and build greater trusts in those that we feel have hurt us the most. If you work through this, you will have an incredible relationship, but you will have to lay out all the fears. But that's the great thing! It forces everyone involved to expunge the fears we harbor and resolutions can be made!!!

I understand. I've been on both sides of the coin. I have had my emails pried into, and I thought it was the worst thing ever! I felt that my privacy was violated because my girlfriend thought I was messing around on her. I wasn't. So I was so furious for her prying into my email that I kept her out of. I felt it was mine and mine alone. I refused to talk to her for almost a year. Then we bumped into each other and started talking about things and I realized that it was my actions that had caused her to feel that something was wrong. I had kept a lot of my life secretive. I simply thought it was my privacy I was keeping intact. She thought that all the secrecy was because I was hiding a girl. And if I was being secretive about another girl, then I would be lying to her, so if she had come out and asked me, I would have continued the lie. She had no other option. She just wanted to verify if I was or not, and I hadn't. So she felt relieved and would have trusted me, even though I still kept her out of a lot of my life.

But after we started talking, I realized that it was wrong of me to keep her out of my life. I really did love this woman, and I let my selfish self almost ruin a great relationship. I should have not been afraid to be more open. I really had nothing to hide. I just "felt" that I needed my own private space. But in all honesty, she is all I need. And when you're in a committed relationship, openness and honesty has to be number one. I wasn't open and honest. I tried to keep her out for what? Just because of my own fear of losing my identity.

Now that we've gotten back together, and I've become open and honest, I now realize that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I gained the trust of the most wonderful woman in the world, and she has mine.

Our relationship and trust for each other has really blossomed. It wasn't worth keeping doors locked and keeping her out of my emails and other parts of my life. They are a part of my life, but she is a bigger part. And it is wrong for me to exclude her. And even better, she is more supportive because she understands what I do. That was the part I didn't get that almost made me blow this whole relationship!

In love, openness creates even greater support and understanding in a relationship!

I know you are hurting, but I am telling you to take another look at things and try to smooth things over. Realize that being open and honest will help resolve any trust issues and you can have the best relationship ever. Go back to that person and make things better than before. They were such an important part of your life before. They will be even more, and even more supportive and understanding and helpful in ways that you only thought imaginable.

Reconciliation is a great thing. Forgiveness is a great thing. Love, and openness, and honesty are great things. Create a stronger bond of love and trust. It will be so worth it!

Amedeus said...

Josh, whoever, wherever you are. Thank you for your response. you put a great deal of work giving insight in your own personal experience and I appreciate this a lot.

My wife was indeed the most important part of my life ... When you leave your husband, you leave the house, you file for divorce, then you don't have a right anymore to violate the privacy of the person you left in an attempt to find out who this person is seeing, dating or sleeping with as my wife so eloquently put it when she was caught rummaging through my office and bedroom.

I locked doors to send a message, this was not the first time she had entered the house to snoop or remove jointly owned property.

Violating privacy rather than asking the burning questions and get an honest answer escapes me.

Like you said, being open and honest is great but the other part has to be receptive for being open and honest ... not distrust every single answer ... it is easy to get trapped in self fulfilling prophecies based on insecurity, jealousy and mistrust.

Oh ... the answer on the question is ... no one ... no one and no one

Rudi.