Saturday, October 25, 2008

I choose to heal ... rather than wound ...

April is in town.
Natalia is in town.
Vassanta is in town.
Carly Erin is in town.
Sarah Ellis is in town.

Elley S is coming to town
Ms Susie B is coming to town
Candace Nirwana is coming to town

... and I'm shooting with them all ...


josh said...

I hope you continue to heal. Love, compassion, forgiveness...these are the things that will help you heal, and will help you heal your relationship.

I encourage you in your healing.

Amedeus said...


Thank you ... your encouragement is much appreciated.

I am healing because I choose to forgive rather than hang on to frustration and anger.


josh said...

Hi Rudi,

Thank you for your response. Let me start by saying that we are all human. We are all going to make mistakes. Sometimes we make errors in judgment because of silly little things like jealousy. So, let's say jealousy creeps in because your partner (or spouse) starts acting very peculiar, would you not want to investigate? Do you not deserve the truth? How could you know that they are telling you the truth? You can't ask them point blank because they may be lying to you. However, if you research and find out that there's nothing to worry about, then you will feel that the feelings you had were just irrational feelings and fears and should they rise again in the future, you will have elevated your trust level and not pay them any mind. However, what if you do find out that your fears and suspicions were with merit? In a relationship, you need to now, and if your partner is messing around behind your back, then they are not going to be honest. But you have a right to know. Not only for emotional and mental reasons, but for physical. You need to know what you are involved in because you could become physically ill, or possibly even die. Is this paranoia? No, it's the truth.

Once you've been with someone, and they've built their trust, then you can relax more easily. I wish it were easy to trust everyone completely, but as I said earlier, we are all humans and make mistakes. We all make erroneous judgment calls.

I now understand more about your and your ex-wife's situation. She had obviously called it quits and moved out with you two not in a relationship, or at least trying to work on things. I don't know the time line, but I assume that it's been recently that she moved out. After all, you said you had joint-owned property (which by the way, is not illegal for her to recover and even move her joint-owned property, as well as a great deal of other things that would be too lengthy to type at this point).

I understand the pain you feel for feeling like you have been violated. But even if what she did was illegal, she did what she did out of jealousy. If she was snooping, and not using the information to slander you, or black mail you, then you have to realize that there are some feelings that she still has for you and it was jealousy that caused her to search out for whatever she was searching out. If she had no interest in you whatsoever, then she would have NOT gone through anything. But she did. There was jealousy, which only exists if there is still some feelings even on a basic level.

I thank you for letting me contact you in such a manner. I have gone through what you have gone through, and once I started really understanding actions and reasons behind them, then resolution was easy. My woman and I have been able to repair our relationship and build a newer, better trust. I have so much trust in her now that she can look anywhere, and vice versa. It is awesome the freedom and level of trust we now have.

I hope that one day you too can release your fears and be in a relationship where you can be truly and totally open and honest about everything.

Amedeus said...


Once more, thanks for the time to respond.

Although I believe I understand what you are saying in your first paragraph, the timeline is so that it is immaterial.

My spouse had left the relationship and the house
My spouse had removed most of her personal belongings out of the house during my business travel. Some joint property was removed prior to my spouse "officially" leaving the house ... that was how I found out what was going on.

Although hard to swallow at the time, I don't have any issues for my spouse taking her personal stuff out of the house.

It is different though for jointly owned property. At least you can talk about it and discuss things like adults. Not having it disappear and initially lying about it. Regardless of what the motivators are.

Your theory about personal safety goes both ways. Once a spouse leaves the house and still has her keys, she can come and go in the house as she wishes. Anyone gaining access to these keys can come and go as they please.

She can do so even after filing divorce and violate any privacy. At that point in time, there is no need anymore to investigate as all the important decisions have been made ...

Once the divorce proceedings start, then jointly owned property can be decided through counsel ... there is no need for snooping, violating privacy and break-in and entering.

How do I know who has the key to the house ? I don't... How do I know the key is still in my spouses possession ? I don't ... How do I know the key is not with one of her new friends she's dating ? I don't ... How do I know that I won't get a "get even" visit ... I don't...

That's why I was totally in my right to change locks on the house. I didn't. I trusted that she wouldn't stoop that low.

You are right about jealousy and insecurity to be poor advisors.

My spouse wanted to find out who I was seeing, who I was dating and who I was sleeping with ... over two months after she had left the relationship, she had left the house ...

1) She left, she filed for divorce, she was dating so it is none of her business anymore
2) She never could accept the simple answer to her question; no one, no one and no one.

Trust is key in any relation ship. I'm aware that trust can be restored. I'm aware that this takes time

My spouse didn't want to trust me ... that's why she left

My spouse didn't want to support me ... that's why she gave me an ultimatum

Ultimatums are what they are ... one-sided and counter productive to any relationship. They are handed down when there is absolutely no trust anymore and the will to work together is gone.

It's considered a last ditch effort but in fact it is always a death blow to the relationship

"Josh", I believe you know I supported my wife in all her endeavors, I believe you know her background and you must know about her insecurity and jealousy ... real or perceived, it doesn't matter.

What matters to me are the actions ... they speak louder than words. Mine ... and hers.

I'm glad you were able to restore your relationship with your significant other ... always good to hear a success story. I believe it can be done as long as the point of no return has been crossed for either side and both sides are willing to put the effort in. A relationship is not a one way street.

I know I can be in a trusting relationship and I have no doubt that I'll enjoy that privilege sooner than later with a strong partner that can be trusting herself and is willing to support me in my passion for life, art and a relationship.

You know you can reach me per private email.